PART SEVEN
Also read these other parts,
1,3,4,5 ,
6 ,
8
Part 2 is a special adult oriented part. Click
here.
To write to Adam and Chancellor, write to;
a-c@submission.org
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Dear Adam & Chancellor
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(68)
Subject: Why not dateing
??
Dear Adam;
I have a question about dating . Well, when people ask me can we date and
i say no and their question is why? of course, but i dont have a good answer
to make them understand.When i try to explain to them that we cant date they
still dont understand.im guessing that may be they dont understand becuz
i dont really understand why either.Why cant we date?i just need a simple
answer so it can be easy for people to understand when i tell them we cant
date.
Thank you..bye
WHY.
Dear WHY;
Is dating against the Quran? Believe me, I have spent many a long night trying
to figure this one out for myself. I’ve been searching for that one
magical verse or explanation that makes everything clear. Let me break the
suspense by saying that I have yet to find that one verse. The good news
is that my search has given me a much better understanding of this difficult
question. I have come to realize that dating is a process that occupies a
great deal of your emotions and tempts you physically so fast that you
don’t realize what hit you. The process spins out of control and becomes
very hard to control. The real challenge to your faith starts when precious
attention shifts away from the needs of your soul to the needs of your
body and drains your efforts to increase your remembrance of God.
Typically, the word dating is used when a guy and a girl develop both an
intimate physical and social relationship together. The physical part is
as simple as holding hands and evolves into hugging, kissing and other forms
of sexual relations. What's the bid deal with a little kiss or hand holding?
Yes, I can certainly relate that it’s innocent and very common, but
I can assure you that it’s more involved than you imagine. For one thing,
there are verses in the Quran that regard this type of interaction as much
more serious than we would like to think. In addition to having to deal with
the Quranic aspect of this issue, you are occupying your mind with sensitive
and powerful emotions that do not help you in remembering God and growing
your soul.
The daily challenge of submitting to God and working righteousness becomes
harder and less active in your mind as you become increasingly attracted
to your mate with your thoughts, emotions, and time. Although you may use
good arguments to comfort your mind that your actions are harmless, your
soul feels the energy that is being taken away and becomes weaker and more
vulnerable. The time and attention you give to your emotional attachment
is the precious strength your soul needs to grow. Increasing your physical
and emotional contact happens naturally since your convinced mind can’t
hear the weak calls from your soul.
I am pretty sure that no matter how strong you are, you are likely to experience
this uncontrollable cycle when you invite the process of dating to your life.
If you feel you can date someone without the physical stuff, you should be
very honest with yourself and think about God first before you make your
decision. For some, there may be a sincere intention to have only a social
interaction with a person. In this case, the relationship should be
called a friendship, not dating, so that you can have a clear understanding
from the very beginning without any room for guesswork or temptation. However,
if you are dating someone now or think you are just "friends" but are
experiencing a desire for contact and romance, you should ask yourself one
question: “what's the point of winning the battles of avoiding the physical
stuff while your soul is losing the war from all the energy and effort that's
being drained away? If you are giving in to your urges and satisfying your
physical desires, I suggest you fasten your seat belt before continuing to
read some of the verses I come cross in the Quran.
There are clear verses in the Quran against the natural results of dating;
from the seemingly innocent kiss to the more obvious. God instructs all of
us eligible bachelors and bachelorettes to maintain our chastity until
marriage (5:5, 23:5-7, 24:30-1, 70:29-31). Chastity is defined Quranically
in 23:6 as avoiding sexual relations. You may try to ease your mind quickly
by defining sexual relations as intercourse only, leaving all other contact
as fair game. That’s a pretty good argument that I’ve tried to
use myself more than once. According to the Quran, however, sexual relations
include any intimate physical contact. Let’s look at if from another
angle. How can we justify holding someone's hand romantically or kissing
them when God asks us to be extra careful by subduing our eyes (24:30-31)
and even avoid meeting secretly unless we have something righteous to discuss
(2:235). The classic argument to support physical relations is claiming that
the person is "rightfully yours." You convince yourself that the person you
are dating, which happens to be a fellow submitter or a potential convert,
will be your future spouse. Based on your reasoning, sexual relations with
someone who is rightfully yours is not as bad and makes you feel less guilty
about your actions. If you think about this line of reasoning carefully,
you will find some big problems. The least important is the fact that you
are probably years away from being ready to tie the knot. Of course, completing
your education, having a source of income besides your weekly allowance,
and setting up a place to live other than your parents’ house are useful
little details that may have skipped your mind. By that time, the "rightfully
yours" dream date may be out of your life and you realize your useful excuse
provided temporary pleasure at a great expense to your soul. The main problem
with the rightfully yours argument is that this Quranic statement has nothing
to do with supporting dating intentions. Unfortunately, I have even seen
parents use this argument to ease their mind or justify dating for their
child.
Instead of encouraging their child to focus on God continually (20:132) and
avoid the temptation of dating, they give in to peer pressure and the common
practices of today. They reason that it's better for their child to start
a relationship with someone they know, especially if it's a submitter, rather
than remaining single and being vulnerable to others. Ahhhh, the submitter
argument. We have all used this at one time for one reason or another. Surly,
it can't be all that bad if two young and innocent submitters are dating?
Actually, it's much worse since both are fully aware of the result of tempting
God's advice knowingly.
Speaking of consequences, what does the Quran say about this issue? There
are some very strong words used in reference to having sexual relations and
deciding not to maintain your chastity knowingly. God uses the words
transgressor, a sinner, a rejecter of faith, all your works will be in vain,
and in the Hereafter you will be with the losers (5:5 23:7 and 70:31). These
descriptions definitely caught my attention too! We are not talking about
a simple slap on the hand. God mentions that all your works will be in vain.
After putting these pieces of the puzzle together, the dangers of dating
start becoming much more clear. Of course, we know that God is Most Merciful
and is the acceptor of repentance. But why should you bring yourself to the
point of having to repent when you have the power to remain steadfast from
the very beginning? Keep in mind also that the example you set when you date
as a submitter is very damaging since you are supporting something that is
against the faith you are practicing everyday. What explanation do
you give to your little brother, sister, or submitter friends and youth
who are striving along the path of submission with you? Where does this leave
you? You are a single young and attractive submitter with your emotions and
hormones revolving in high gear. All you see around you are images of love,
romance, passion and sex. Your friends seem to go through dates like it's
a fruit and you wonder if they are beginning to question your sexual orientation.
The prospect of waiting to get married feels like a hopeless eternity.
You begin to ask yourself why you should have to endure such temptation.
The answer is very simple. God has blessed you with the light of submission
while your friends and the rest of the world are dancing helplessly down
a dark and dangerous path. God has given you the chance to strive for an
everlasting life that radiates with happiness and peace. Before you begin
to feel sorry for yourself, ask yourself if you are willing to trade this
awesome blessing for the temporary enjoyment your friends are experiencing?
I don't think so. Your path is rare and requires you to work hard and strive.
You have to demonstrate with your actions and intentions that you are worthy
of being a submitter. You have to use all your strength, patience and faith
to overcome the challenges that are testing your faith in God.
Passing your test can as simple as avoiding dating and controlling your physical
urges. This feeling is extremely hard to tolerate and the challenge is difficult,
but the outcome is worth every effort. Know that God does not burden you
beyond your means. The weaker you feel, the more you are being signaled to
pull yourself away from temptation and towards God. The beauty of God’s
system is that He not only rewards you for your efforts in the Hereafter
but also showers you with all sorts of rewards in this life for your commitment.
God promises a deep and meaningful happiness that is far greater than any
temporary romance can ever bring you. This relationship with God is strong
and stays with you forever unlike the short relationships that bring quick
pleasure but end in disappointment and emotional pain. For this reason, following
the example of a submitter is a rare and beautiful honor that we should be
proud uphold.
Our example can be a source of inspiration and guidance for our friends.
After all, we know that everyone can date easily. But, who can demonstrate
the strong character and personality that comes only from a meaningful
relationship with God?
It seems to me that any way I look at it, I see dating as being a harmful
process for the soul no matter how you try to justify your action. How can
we stay clear of such an attractive temptation that is so common among our
circle of friends and community? The best way to avoid a dating situation
starts by accepting God’s advice from the very beginning without
any hesitation or doubts. This understanding means you leave no doubt in
your mind that dating is out of the question for you. If you leave any wiggle
room or grey area in your thinking, you will soon find yourself trying to
convince your mind that certain aspects of dating are just fine. Before you
know it, you are in this blinding cycle that takes control of you. The next
step is to keep a close eye on your emotional attachments and, what I call
“soap opera daydreaming.” You may have accepted that dating is
not right for you but you may find yourself fantasizing about the perfect
relationship, a romantic encounter, or the classic made for television love
affair. If you are not in a position to get married, it’s better to
put these thoughts on hold since it makes the process of staying single much
harder.
Such thoughts can cloud your judgment and can make the smallest encounter
appear as the start of a great love story. These romantic affairs and tearjerkers
we see in the movies are made to sell tickets and popcorn, not our souls.
Keep in mind that the true love you will experience in marriage is nothing
like that dramatic “crush” that seems to run your life until it
evaporates into thin air. When you sense your emotions are running away from
you, take a time out for a reality check. Drop the idea from your mind and
analyze the situation as if you are asking God for advice. Know that God
is aware of your innermost intentions and that He is the Best Supporter.
Finally, I must point out that we seem to notice only the positive
images of dating. The flip side is often very disappointing and, in some
cases, devastating to the emotions. The saying that “all good things
come to an end” is especially true with dating. There is the pain of
separation, the feelings of rejection, denial, depression, and dealing with
the reality that you shared the most private experiences of your life with
someone who is now a stranger to you. Of course, we also have the very likely
possibility of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases to deal
with.
What is the alternative to dating? Believe it or not, there is another world
outside dating that is even more rewarding for your soul and your emotional
needs. Once you place your trust in God’s system, you can see everyone
from the filter of true friendship. There will be no pressure to impress
others, to change your ways or act differently. You will be a free spirit
enjoying the company of people you meet without expectations or desires.
You can start having many meaningful friendships instead of spending most
of your time with only one person. You will experience the beauty of this
diversity, the fun of having such different personalities in your life
and the blessing of being able to turn to a strong social network in
the time of need. These friendships will be there for you and last through
times of difficulty. Most importantly, you not only save emotional energy,
you gain even more strength from your friends; strength that you need
in your path of submission to God. If you are eager to start a relationship
or are finding yourself in a questionable situation now, make your intention
clear that you desire only friendship and avoid situations that trigger your
physical or emotional urges. Spend your time in larger group settings or
in a family environment. Avoid one-to-one encounters until you know deep
inside that the relationship is clearly friendship. Even then, it’s
always better to involve your other friends when you want to do something.
You know what they say, “the more, the merrier.”
If you think you’re missing the boat by not dating and that you will
never meet that “dream” person, I have some great news for you.
Your boat is in perfect condition and is not going anywhere without you.
God is in control of everything. He knows the best time for you to get married
and He has already picked out the perfect mate for you. No matter how hard
you try on your own or rush the process, you will never find the perfect
match that God is waiting to give you. All you need to do is place your trust
in God, have patience, and stay firm in your commitment to keep your purity
of body and mind. Once you are ready to share in the blessing of marriage,
you will appreciate why God has encouraged you to stay single for such a
special occasion.
God bless you,
Adam |
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Dear Adam &
Chancellor,
(69)
Subject: Playing Music ?
How about Rock Music ?.
Asalaam Alaikum (excuse me if I spelled it
wrong)
Well first of all I would like to thank you, thank
you and thank you again for spreading the word of the falsehood of the hadith.
I have decided to become a Muslim about 1 week ago. And trying to follow
the Hadith to the letter made me very depressed and helpless. Now I know
why. And of course I thank Allah as well for directing my friend to your
site so he could enlighten me with this newfound wisdom. I am reading everything
on your site with great attention. May Allah bless you for all the good that
you are doing. I will direct every Muslim and non Muslim I know towards here
so they can be enlightened by your wisdom as well. I can only hope that they
will see things our way.
Well I'll stop honoring you for it is Allah's wisdom
actually *laughs* You merely opened me and my friends eyes. But since you
seem to know so much. I have a question about music. I bought an electric
guitar about two weeks ago. And I was afraid that I might have to get rid
of it and even demolish it. Luckily I do not have to do so and I can make
people happy with my music. the thing is ... How do I know which music will
make people happy? I am a big fan of Carlos Santana for instance. And I am
afraid that playing a tango or salsa for instance will sexually arouse people.
Could you enlighten me some more on this subject? I have decided to avoid
music that is violent like metal for instance. Although I know many
rock music that seems rather beautifull to me. I am kind of confused on the
matter which music is allowed and which is not. A ballad could make people
sad for instance but it can also be a good thing because it might make them
think about lost loved ones and I might be able to help them process their
feelings and deal with their emotions. But of course I realize that violent
text or texts that denounce Allah or praise another God for instance are
bad. I know this. And I also know that I should not write texts that incite
people to have sex with each other. Because most of them would not be married.
I realize this. Well I guess you see my point. I don't know if you know anything
about scales. But maybe you can also clear up for me if playing in major
scales would unavoidably cause depression or aggression in people's minds.
I hope that me asking you this question will also help you try to figure
this out and maybe it would make a nice addition to also give some helpfull
tips on your insightfull writings on music. I myself enjoyed reading it very
much. And I know that Allah has given me a natural gift to play music. And
I also have a reasonable voice-box (as you called it) *laughs* So I am very
glad that you've helped me realize that I can use this for good. I am just
having lots of doubts on what is good and what is not in this matter. Maybe
you can help me with it. I really hope so. But if not then maybe you can
direct me somewhere where they can help me. I would appreciate that very
much.
R.E.
The Netherlands
Alaykum Salaam R.E.
Thank you so much for your positive feedback. Indeed, it is a great blessing
from God to be able to share this information with people such as you and
your friends who are sincere seekers. I pray that God continues to strengthen
your faith.
I'm not much of a musician myself. I do love Santana and I can play an excellent
air guitar when I am alone. I am so happy to know you are using your musical
talents to help people. I agree that you should stay away lyrics and music
that are obviously explicit sexually or violent. Outside of this, there
is a wide range for you to follow.
Your intention is what matters. The same song can mean different things to
different people. One person may love your work and will remember God while
another person may fall in love because of the lyrics. You can't control
this reaction. You can control the content of your music. It would be great
to write uplifting songs that demonstrate your appreciation and love for
God. I wish I could say more. I would love to read your lyrics if you
write any songs. We can also try to put one of your songs on our web site
(with your music). Imagine what a great service this will be to our young
submitters around the world who can learn to appreciate God even more through
your work. Please stay in touch with us.
God bless you,
Adam |
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(70)
Subject: Loving a Hindu Girl;
what next....?
Assalamualaikum,
i am a devoted religious person, a submitter (Muslim),
trying to deal with a difficult situation which dont know how to deal with.
Im 18 years old and i was participating at a science fair last week where
i met a very special hindu girl and we became friends... before long i began
to really like her and she told me to ask her out and become her boyfriend..
i really do not want to make the wrong choice so i asked my father for
advice...he said its best to not think about having girlfriends at this time
and that besides she's hindu which is unacceptable..after thinking it over
i decided to explain to her that it would be best if we remained simply as
friends instead of getting involved romanitcally.. she cried about it and
it was difficult...i feel so distrated and unable to concentrate on anything
as a result.. my question is "have i done the right thing?"... and secondly
this made me think of a question to which i have no answer: hypothetically
speaking, if i were a financially independent young man and i wished to marry
someone who is a hindu or a budhist for example, would that be permissible
in Islam (submission),... I really appreciate the time you have taken to
read this letter and for helping me with this issue..God bless
you.
Brother G.N. |
Salaam Brother G.N.,
You did the right thing! Mashallah, you have shown the strength of your
faith and love for God. The idea of getting into a relationship when you
are not yet ready to marry is very dangerous. You will soon realize that
your feelings will take control over you and lead you to actions that take
you away from God. Be patient and trust that God will lead you to the perfect
mate when the time is right.
If you were independent and ready to get married, God informs you in the
Quran that you can marry anyone as long as they are submitters - they believe
in God alone and do not worship idols, they believe in the hereafter and
they lead a righteous life. This person can be Hindu or Buddhist if they
can meet the criteria in the Quran spelled out in 2:62 and 5:69 and as long
as they fall into this category.
[5:5] Today, all good food is made lawful for you. The food of the people
of the scripture is lawful for you. Also, you may marry the chaste women
among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of previous
scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity,
not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers. Anyone who rejects faith,
all his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers.
[5:69] Surely, those who believe, those who are Jewish, the converts, and
the Christians; any of them who (1) believe in GOD and (2) believe in the
Last Day, and (3) lead a righteous life, have nothing to fear, nor will they
grieve.
See also our page about marriage at;
http://www.submission.org/women/marriage.html
God bless you,
Chancellor |
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(71)
Subject: My parents
disagree....? |
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SALAM,
i believe i have found someone who i would like
to have as my husband. HE is a good muslim and he respects me very much,
but the only problem is that i know my parents will not accept of him because
he is not from the community to which i belong. does this mean that we are
not meant to be together in ALLAH's eyes? i am very confused please
help.
sincerely,
R.G.
Alaykum Salaam R.G.,
Thank you for sharing your question with me. Only God knows if you are meant
to be together. My advice to you is to be patient and trust in God. Instead
of being anxious, doubtful, eager, or upset, use this precious energy to
worship God and pray that He will show you the correct way. Respecting your
parents is very important. Your parents have lived through many experiences
and can carry great wisdom. They love you and want the best for you. Talk
to your mother or father, whoever is closer to you, and ask them about what
they think of that person and let them explain to you why or why not they
think of him being a good husband. Sometimes being frank with your parents
and listening to them will give them a chance to see what is good or bad
in your or their decisions. Be open minded and listen carefully and remember
that your parents want the best for you.
At the same time, you must make sure that the advice they are giving you
is not against the Quran. In the Quran, there is no mention of marrying someone
from the same community. Tell them that if this is the issue. The most important
point is that they have to believe in God alone, believe in the Hereafter
and lead a righteous life.
Slow down. Let God take control of the situation. You just keep following
your practices and leading a righteous life. Place your trust in God and
the doors will open to the best soul mate - either the one you know now or
someone even better.
God bless you,
Adam
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(72)
Subject: I want to
die....
assalamu alaikum wa rahmatu allahi wa
barakatihi....
I just wanna ask you...sometimes I ask my self why
am I livin'...I want to die...
I know from the Quran that I should not commit suicide...so
Im just waitin for my death...as normal.
But Im wonderin' WHY am I livin,,, and Im just 18
yet...(arab+muslim). Im thinkin of goin to Palestine and help them....but
again is that a solution to my problem.....please advise....????
thanx for ur help.....GOD BLESS YOU....
wants to die..
Peace be upon you "want to die",
Thanks for reaching out and sharing your feelings. I can not imagine how
much pain you are experiencing. It's very important for you to express these
feelings and not keep them inside. There is something very important that
is trying to come out from this terrible feeling of depression. You may believe
this, but I think that you are very very blessed by God. God will never burden
you more than you can handle and the fact that you are having such difficult
experience shows the strength of your faith. You are young.
You have your life in front of you. Each day you can take baby steps in a
direction that will break you free from the negative emotions. First, you
need to listen to your feelings. What is it telling you? Perhaps it is telling
you that you need to make a change in your life - a positive change.
Most people are so numb to their feelings that they never know something
is wrong until they are 90 years old and realize what they have missed in
life.You are different. You are a sensitive and spiritual soul who is striving
to find the path of peace and happiness. You have found it. Now, start taking
those small steps. I have a few suggestions for you.
My first advice to you is to see a therapist so you can talk about this issue
openly and empty the feelings inside that are so painful to carry alone.
There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist - it is not against Islam
and it does not mean you are sick. It's just a way to share your private
feelings with a person who can help you come to terms with your depression.
My second advice is that you should turn to God with all your heart and feelings
and pray for support and patience. God hears your calls and is closer to
you than your own breath. God will help you through these difficult times.
I also suggest that you read the Quran for yourself. God will guide you.
You will find the answers to many of your questions in it. The Quran
is a book of wisdom from God that can heal all pains with time. You will
need to do some work on your part. Try to perform your contact prayers every
day, give to charity, work righteousness and remember God as much as possible.
Your depression is a test for you now. You have a chance to establish a strong
bond with God - a bond that will never break as long as you hold on to this
beautiful life-line He has given to you. After you start reading the Quran
you will learn why we are living and why are we here?
You can also read our article about that difficutl questions, why are we
here ? why are we living ?
http://www.submission.org/islam/faq6.html
Please stay in touch with me and let me know how things are going. I am here
to help in any way that I can, inshallah.
God bless you,
Chancellor |
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(73)
Subject: My Christian
Girlfriend...
Assalamu-Alaikum, My name is J.O ,i'm doing my final
year at UBC, when i was in my 2nd year,I fell in love with a christian girl
she also reciprocated. I used to keep her hands in my hands and kissed here
once that too on her cheek.I began to lose my interests in my studies and
i got flunked in my 2nd year. I thought that God has given me a final warning.I
broke with her when she refused to convert to my religion .I did'nt speak
to her for the last 11/2 yrs. Day b fore yesterday I called her and she told
me that she would like to talk to me in person for a last time.I met
her yesterday, she cried and conveyed that she's still in love with me, i
told her that i'm not anymore. She herself took my hands in hers even when
i tried to retract.While leaving I touched her hands and said BYE.I also
told her that this will be our last meeting.. Now tell me that i'm right
or not.I used to skip Friday prayers when she was with me, I missed hours
of my day and night thinking about her and almost flunked second time. I
pray to Allah to forgive me and help me.
Skipper
Salaam skipper,
Praise be to God that you realized that this relationship was not going anywhere.
Both of you are young , not ready to marry yet, and wasted a lot of your
valuable time and made you flunk. You made the right decision by choosing
to end your involvement in a relationship that almost damaged your college
years. Having friends is great but making exclusive boy and girlfriends in
this age is more damaging than helping. You should read our article
about dating to understand the position of Islam (Submission) on this important
issue. It's important for you to attend the Friday prayers since it is a
commandment in the Quran. Do your best to plan and make the time. Also, make
sure you go to a Friday prayer group where they are mentioning God alone.
I have noticed that many places put too much emphasis on politics and focus
on our great prophet Mohammad instead of focusing on God.
I think it's O.K. that you touched her hand since you were very clear that
this was your final meeting and was not meant to be sexual. Touching her
hand was a way of giving her comfort during the difficult separation process
rather than increasing your physical contact with her for the sake of pleasure.
God is the forgiver of all sins. You need to ask for forgiveness, repent
to God, read your Quran, reform your old ways and lead a righteous life.
God bless you,
Adam |
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(74)
Subject: Deeply in
love...
Salamaleikum,
I desperately need your advice on something. Let
me start with the whole story: One year ago, i was going thorugh my friend's
yearbook, from her school. I came across this one guy. He seemed so gorgoeus.
Well my friends told me a lot of nice things about him and not just from
my friend but a lot of othr people alos told me so many things about him.
I was amazed at how many people were praising him. Well I kind of started
liking him. I found out his email address and emailed him....and i just told
him how i felt about him. He emailed me back. He thoguht it was kind of odd
that i liked him even thoguh i dont really know him. Well i guess i didn't
like him like i thoguht i did, but we started talking regularly online just
as friends. Though, i started to really like him as time went on. By a certain
point, i was pretty sure i wanted to spend my life with him, even thoguh
i had never met him. We used to talk about everyhting: books, religion, school,
friends, family, philosophy, love, life, food....I dont think there is anything
that we didnt talk about. The really good thing about is that since he is
very religious, I was so influenced from him about reading namaz and stuff
like that. This guy really brought out the best in me! Well then i dont know
what happened next because all of a sudden he started being very quiet and
we didn't talk as much as bofore. Though i remember a time when i told him
that i wanted to spend my life with him and he told me that i should not
think that way because he didn' want me getting hurt. I told him that this
is the first time i ever liked anyone, and he said that if i had never told
a guy i liked him, then why start now and waste 15 years of innocence? The
things he said made me like him even more than before. Well we stopped talking
about a 10 months ago, but i can not seem to forget about him. I really like
him. I am so serious about him that i even told my mom about him. Ohh, but
i found out that he likes someone else, but she likes someone else. He likes
her alot, but he has been hurt by her because she told him she likes someone
else. I respect his feelings for her. but still him not liking me makes no
difference.
I do not have bad intentions. Thoguh i cant help
it if he doesnt likeme rite, but my problem is that I have totally lost my
concentration in everything since i statredliking him, well everything except
for Allah. I have actaully gotten more religious, but everythign else is
screwed up in my life. And the worst part is that i dont even talk to him
anymore. I still can not stop liking him. What do u think i should do now??
Thanks for taking u'r time in reading this email,
khudafiz,
deeply in love
Salaam un Alykum Deeply in love;
Sounds like your suffering from a case of obsession – and I don’t
mean the one by Calvin Klein. I am sure we can all relate to an experience
when our mind was completely pre-occupied with a repeated thought, a deep
desire, a "dream world" or fantasy we have created for ourselves. For some,
it may be the deep desire to be with someone they have a "crush" on, the
feeling of wanting something desperately or being hooked on a particular
activity or thought. No matter how hard you try, you can’t clear your
head and simply forget about what is on your mind. The attachment and feelings
seem to grow deeper and deeper, eating away at your other thoughts, disturbing
your daily routine, dominating your attention at work or school and even
interfering with your ability to eat and sleep. This "dream" creates a world
and reality for itself in your mind. You begin to live under the shadow of
your obsession. Your words, actions, and feelings become dictated by what
you have created in your mind. Your obsession causes you to experience big
mood swings from intense anxiety and depression to brief periods of great
joy. The most dangerous part of all, you begin to lose touch with reality.
You may even become distracted from remembering God and begin to compromise
your religious duties as you exceed the limits of appropriate conduct. You
take for granted the blessings of health, family, and God because nothing
else matters than the realization of your obsession. In a way, your obsession
can grow to become a form of addiction, something you just can’t let
go of and must have in order to remain in one piece. As your mind revolves
around this dream world, the rest of your life can slowly crumble away. If
you are going through this experience, you should know that there is a way
out; a way in which you can turn a helpless situation into a learning experience
that will make you a much stronger person. You will need to do your share
of work since there is no such thing as a quick-fix solution. However, you
can rest assure that the reward for your effort will be awesome!
Before you can find out what to do, you need to understand why this obsession
starts and how it grows. In the Quran, we read that every person is born
with a Jinn companion. A Jinn is a descendant of the devil whose job is to
promise you things that look or feel good in order to pull you in the opposite
direction from God. You can think of this companion like that devil character
that pops up next to someone’s shoulder and constantly tries to invite
them with whispers. We all get crazy thoughts that come and go through our
minds. These thoughts can come from our Jinn companion who whispers temptations
and entices us with bait. The whispers alone are not as dangerous as when
you begin to think seriously about the whispers and even consider acting
on them. Once the whisper becomes an intention, you are hooked! The seed
has been planted in your mind and you begin giving it water and fertilizer
with your thoughts. From there, it begins to grow as a function of how much
time you spend on the thought. You should know that your Jinn is powerless
over you (17:64-65, 14:22). Your Jinn only invites, entices and promises
you anything that grabs your attention. You are the one who gives your Jinn
power by accepting the invitation. Once you invite your Jinn inside, he’s
ready to have a feast.
Why would God allow your Jinn to make these false promises to you? The answer
is simple. God is testing you to see if you will give in to your weakness
and listen to the promise or turn to God for strength, support and guidance.
In 29:2-3, God informs us that everyone will be tested to reveal their true
convictions. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. You may
say that you believe in God but you need to prove yourself. You prove yourself
by being tested. Passing the test is as simple as blocking out the whispers
when they come to you. Failing is just as simple as listening to the whispers
and acting on them.
What can you do to get over your obsession and prevent it from taking root
in your mind?
1. Whether you are currently dealing with an obsessive thought or are being
tempted by one, the first thing you need to do is seek refuge in God as soon
as the thought enters your mind. In 23:97-98 we read, “Say, ‘My
Lord, I seek refuge in You from the whispers of the devils. And I seek refuge
in You, my Lord, lest they come near me.’”
You may not be able to block the whisper from happening, but you have the
power to prevent it from entering and growing. You need to be strong in your
resolve not to dwell on the thought that comes to your mind. Try to block
it out as soon as it re-surfaces. Seek refuge in God by reciting the two
verses each time you feel the urge to think about your obsession. When you
start to block out the thought, it will be harder and harder for it to penetrate
your mind. After a while, your Jinn will know that you are much too strong
to be tempted and will give up. However, it’s no time to let your guards
down. Just when you think you have won the war, your Jinn may start another
battle by trying to entice you with a different invitation. Block it out.
If you don’t give water to the seed that your Jinn is planting, it will
never grow.
2. Turning to God is your greatest protection and best solution. In addition
to seeking refuge in God, you need to increase your faith, prayers and worship.
When the obsession or temptation is strong, you need to turn to God even
more. Pray to God for support, guidance, strength and patience. God is the
most powerful support! In 2:186 we read, “When My servants ask you about
Me, I am always near. I answer their prayers when they pray to Me. The people
shall respond to Me and believe in Me, in order to be guided.”
Try to
remember God as often as possible.
3. You will also benefit greatly from reading the Quran. You should read
as often as possible. Try to read every day, even if it's only a few verses
(especially at dawn and at night). God informs you that the Quran contains
mercy and healing for anything that troubles your heart (10:57). We have
a free download of the Quran on our site at,
http://www.submission.org/quran/WinQT.html
4. You should continue to observe your religious practices. Your Contact
Prayers (Salat) and obligatory charity (Zakat) are great defenses against
your obsession. In 29:45 we read, "You shall recite what is revealed to you
of the scripture, and observe the Contact Prayers, for the Contact Prayers
prohibit evil and vice. But the remembrance of God (through Salat) is the
most important objective. God knows everything you do.
5. Force yourself to be with people who reverence and worship God. When you
surround yourself with people who are trying hard to please God, you will
have great moral support. They don’t have to know about your obsession.
The fact that you are in their presence will help a great deal since it means
less time alone to think to yourself. Also, turn to your friends and close
relatives and share your feelings with them if you are comfortable. It helps
to get things off your chest. Don’t be alone and let the thoughts build
up.
6. Meditate on the attributes of God and on the Hereafter. Think about why
God has created you. Your main goal and focus should be to work hard to redeem
yourself and prepare for an eternal paradise which is awesome! This life
is short and you don’t want to be distracted by something that you can
not take with you in the end. The tradeoff is much too costly for your soul
and future. God is the One who controls your every breath and heartbeat.
Do you want to please God or your desires?
7. Don’t engage in things that fuel your obsession. For example, if
your mind is occupied with sexual thoughts, you should not be watching
inappropriate movies or magazines. You should subdue your ideas and break
away from the things that add to your temptation.
8. Keep a well-balanced life. Keep yourself occupied by exercising, playing
sports, taking on hobbies or pursuing other interests. You don't want to
allow your energy and creativity to be bottled up so that your obsession
can feed on it. Keep a journal and write about your feelings on a daily basis.
9. Turn to God for forgiveness and repent to Him if you feel you have done
something that goes against His teachings. In 2:160 we read, "As for those
who repent, reform, and proclaim, I redeem them. I am the Redeemer, Most
Merciful.
10. Don't lose hope and never give up! If you feel bad about what you have
done or you think there is no chance, think again. In 22:15 we read, "If
anyone thinks that GOD cannot support him in this life and in the Hereafter,
let him turn completely to (his Creator in) heaven, and sever (his dependence
on anyone else). He will then see that this plan eliminates anything that
bothers him.” When you read 39:53, you begin to appreciate God's great
mercy: "Proclaim: 'O My servants who exceeded the limits, never despair of GOD's mercy. For GOD forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, Most
Merciful.’"
God has created you to seek His approval and forgiveness, not to seek your
personal desires and pleasures. When your priority becomes to please God,
you will experience great pleasure in everything without the drawbacks you
feel when you are obsessed. It’s hard work but worth every effort. You
will feel great about yourself and about the steps your are taking. Keep
in mind that God is with you to support every step you take. The reward for
your effort is awesome!
(32:17) You have no idea how much joy and happiness are waiting for you as
a reward for your (righteous) works.
God bless you,
Adam
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
(75)
Subject: Unwanted hair
!!!!!
Assalam u Allaikum,
I have a question, Tell me what does Islam say
about removing the unwanted hairs from under lengs and arms. I have a little
confusion about it. tell me hairs of what places should be removed and after
how many days.
yours,
B.B.
Alaykum Sallam,
All the practices of Islam come from the Quran. Anything not mentioned
specifically in the Quran is left to our personal choice. Removing hair from
the body is not mentioned in the Quran so it's up to you. There is no rules,
you make your own according to your circumstances. You remove it whenever
you need or feel it should be removed. Unfortunately, all this attention
to little detail has come from hadith which has nothing to do with Islam.
God bless you,
Adam |
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Dear Adam & Chancellor,
Special Section,
(Part Two)
From this page, you can go to a special section of Dear Adam and Chancellor
that deals with some sexually oriented questions. It may not be suitable
to everyone to read. You may choose to read it in the presence of your family
members or let them check it out first for you before you read it. If you
are not allowed to read it at your age, it is not the end of the world, do
not worry about it. As we grow older we will have different problems and
questions. We will be very careful presenting these materials and as usual
we will only use the Quran as our guide and help for all the answers. Remember
you or any of your family members or friends can write to us with their
suggestions, corrections or just to share their opinions. To visit that section
of Adam and Chancellor, please
click here. |
info@submission.org
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