Adam & Chancellor

PART TWO (Special Section)

Mature and Adult Materials, Sexuality, Intimacy, Relationships...etc.

Also read these other parts, 1, 3,4,5 , 6 , 7, 8 

To write to us:

a-c@submission.org

 

Dear Adam & Chancellor, ( Special Section) This page of Adam and Chancellor deals with some sexually oriented questions. It may not be suitable to everyone to read. You may choose to read it in the presence of your family members or let them check it out first for you before you read it.  As we grow older we will have different problems and questions. We will be very careful presenting these materials in a good taste and as usual we will only use the Quran as our guide and help for all the answers. Remember you or any of your family members or friends can write to us with their suggestions, corrections or just to share their opinions.

Dear Adam & Chancellor  is an exciting question and answer column that's open to all youth (and the young at heart). If you're curious about a subject or have a question you've been afraid to ask someone else, give Adam & Chancellor a shot. Your questions can even be kept confidential if you like. Whether you're dealing with peer pressure and everyday challenges or have questions about your religion or the meaning of life, Adam & Chancellor will give you some great feedback. Check out some of the past questions and you'll get an idea. You can also find the Adam & Chancellor column in the monthly youth newsletter, the Elite. If you like to subscribe to the Elite, please send us a notice at : Elite@submission.org

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (1)

Assalam-O-Alaikum My name is S.U and I live in Pakistan. Surely,I visited your section for the teens and found out that you are helping people out of this curse which is sexual thoughts, actions and other things related to this before marriage. I know a lot about Quran. But sometimes, Satan makes me forget everything. Today I just ended seeing up about 40 pictures of pornography. I repented and I cried secretly. I asked my LORD for forgiveness. I can stop looking at pictures, but really, I can not control what I think. Once I look at those things I suddenly change and I can not stop. After that, I think about that for a long time. I can not control my thoughts about pornography. I want you to help me out. Now I have greatly avoided these things and I am going fine. But still sometimes, I can not control my thoughts. Porn is very common in Pakistan. But I want to escape and lead a righteous life. Please pray for me. Please reply to my e-mail and tell me what to do to avoid pornography and sexual thoughts. Reply soon. May Allah bless us all. Signed, Reply soon to S.U. Dear S.U, Thank you for taking the time to share this difficult situation you are dealing with. God willing, you will find my information useful. I can tell by reading your e-mail that you are very concerned about your devotion to God. I think this awareness that you have is a great blessing that you need to develop in order to overcome these temptations. You are very correct in saying that Satan makes you forget since God informs us of this power that Satan has in 5:91 and 6:68. However, you should also know that Satan has power only to the extent that you give it power. God informs us that Satan has no power over those who submit totally to God and lead a righteous life. Satan is looking for our weakness and as soon as we reveal any weakness, it takes advantage of us. God informs us in the Quran how to deal with Satan. First of all, as soon as you start getting any sexual thoughts or urges you should immediately remember God. Think about how Great your Creator is and how important it is for you to please Him. Think about the ways in which you can substitute the bad thoughts with the thoughts of being close to God and the Hereafter. You should start viewing your sexual thoughts as a test. When the thoughts or urges surface, immediately stop and remember God and remember that you are being put to the test. God informs you how to protect yourself from this test in 23:97-98: "Say, "My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the whispers of the devils. And I seek refuge in You, my Lord, lest they come near me." It's really wonderful to know that you repented after the doing something that you felt was not correct. Now that you have repented, God asks that you reform yourself so that you do not engage in the same thing. Everybody has inappropriate thoughts. Sometimes I wonder why I just started thinking about something I know is not righteous. I think that these thoughts are formed by the whispers of the devil. Chapter 114 tells gives us a beautiful prayer to deal with these whispers. As long as we push the thoughts out of our head then we are doing well. However, if we actually start thinking about theses thoughts, then we are taking a whisper and turning it into an intention. God holds us responsible for our intentions and this is where we need to be careful. I agree with you that you may not be able to control 100% of what you think. But, you can control the thoughts that turn into intentions. If you start thinking about pornography, you need to immediately stop and substitute this evil whisper from the devil with the thought of God or reading the Quran. If you do not stop yourself and seek refuge in God from Satan, then you are allowing the thought to become an intention which leads you to view pictures that further your intentions to satisfy your sexual urges. It's a dangerous cycle that only you control. The least you can do is to change your own circumstances, get out of your room or house, go for a walk, exercise, run in the park, or find some friends to play a football game with, decide to re-organize your books, help your father or mother doing some house chores....etc. Get out of these thoughts, the sooner the better, When you settles, read some of the Quranic verses , repent and implore God for help. Satan has no control of this cycle unless you give it control. Since you fear God as you do and you want to enjoy the wonderful blessings of Paradise, you should try to be more conscious about the Hereafter when you are feeling weak and vulnerable. Know that God will not test you beyond your means and that by focusing your energy on wanting to love and please God other thoughts will be more difficult to sneak in. Meditating at night, reading the Quran in the morning, doing your prayers regularly, and forcing yourself to be with people who worship God will be helpful. Also, keep praying to God for help and support. You can never pray enough, especially in difficult situations. I'll leave you with a beautiful verse from the Quran 39:53 "Proclaim, O My servants who exceeded the limits, never despair of God's mercy. For God forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, Most Merciful." I recommend you purchase the English translation of the Quran by Rashad Khalifa which you can order through Amazon.com May God bless you and strengthen your foothold, Adam

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (2) Subject: Masturbation. Hi I just had a question- it is very embarrassing but I want to know. I was reading a book that talked about all parts of muslim life- including sex and masturbation. The problem is that this book said that masturbation is okay for guys and girls who are not married only so that they can remain pure if they feel that is the only way that they can remain chaste. At first I thought that this can't be right but then I figured that it makes sense because how else would kids remain pure when their urges get out of control. Thanks for your help with this touchy matter- god bless. Just wondering.... Dear Just Wondering, The Quran, which is God’s complete message of guidance to us, does not mention anything about masturbation. For this reason, we can not make a general statement that masturbation is a sin. However, the act of masturbation follows the general rule that ANYTHING that you indulge in to the point that you forget your duties towards God (for example doing your prayer on time, paying your charity, etc.), be it love of music, TV, operas, video games, baseball, masturbation....etc, will become a sin. Masturbation can be considered as a way to avoid falling in a big sin like fornication. You set the limits and remember your life in this world is committed to God and He should occupy your mind most of the time. Many times,  having excess testosterone hormone (in case of men) pushes you towards sexual gratification by masturbation. The potential danger with masturbation is that it may encourage or stimulate you to take further steps towards true sexual activity during weak moments in your life, which will cause you to go against God’s teachings to maintain your chastity. Also, as you satisfy your sexual urge through masturbation, you may find it more difficult to “subdue your eyes” as God mentions in 24:30-1. Since masturbation is an act that occupies your mind and emotions, you will find that excessive or habitual masturbation may distract you or prevent you from truly appreciating your religious duties. For example, you may find that during your contact prayers, your mind may not be as focused. There are ways that you can help prevent yourself from indulging in  masturbation. If you join a good sport program like playing soccer, football, baseball, basketball...etc you will consume some of the excessive hormone and keep your body in a better balance and less need to get rid of this excess hormone production through masturbation. Also, you need to keep a good balance of other activities and hobbies in your life and try to leave yourself very little time for any undesirable ideas. In addition to social and sporting activities, you need to remain very strong in your performing your religious duties. You should perform your prayers consistently and at the regular times. Read your Quran daily, force yourself to be with those who worship God, meditate at night and at dawn, and try to remember and commemorate God as much as possible. You will find that when you think more about God, you will feel more complete inside and will feel less of a desire for quick physical gratification. It is very important for you to try to stop the thought of masturbating when it first comes to your mind.   When you begin to think about the process before you actually do it, you are planting the seed in your mind and it becomes more difficult to stop when the time approaches. Also, if there is a particular time or place in which you masturbate, it may be a good idea to change your schedule or prepare yourself mentally and spiritually when you are at that given place so that you will not go there with the usual expectation. Like all challenges, desires, or temptations we face in life, masturbation is an activity that can conquer your mind to the point that you have great difficulty in controlling your actions. You need to quiet your mind and regain control of your thought process. When you spend time strengthening your soul, you will feel the power to regain control over your mind. You can take baby steps by slowly reducing the frequency of your masturbation until the practice fades away. Your mind can be like the waves of a violent storm. Your soul is that deep and calm sea underneath the waves. Your challenge is to push yourself as far below the waves as possible and enjoy the peace and tranquility that comes  with it. Adam

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (3) Hello and Salams I'm 18 years old Muslim girl. I have a little problem. Till now I have been very good in terms of having relationships with boys. I have never considered having more than a friendly relationship. I dont even talk in private to my male friends and am not like today's normal girls, telling boys of my feelings and having a boyfriend. Now i dont know why I have developed this sexual feeling. It started when I was chatting one day on the internet. Is it wrong to chat when u dont know who the other person is. I dont go very far..just a little flirting. Is it wrong. Plus is it wrong to think about sex in private. Like sometimes I imagine having sex with my husband. I will be glad if u answer my questions. I am a very good muslim and very close to God. I talk to Him but He never answers these questions of mine.Please help me. If its wrong to even think about sex , i'll control myself more. Signed, Internet girl Dear Internet Girl, You are asking a very good question that I am sure many youth can relate to. I don't advise that you flirt on the internet. You are engaging in a two way dialogue with someone you do not know about an issue which is not righteous. This type of conversation can only lead to more serious topics that will put you in a very uncomfortable situation, may lead you to engage in more serious unrighteous conversations, may lead you to think more and more about sexual actions and may even lead you to want to engage in a simple relationship that can quickly get out of hand. When sexual thoughts enter your mind, it is time to do something different to keep them away from your mind and put you in control, not them.. First, you can remember God and seek refuge in Him. 7:200-201 "When the devil whispers to you any whisper, seek refuge in God; He is Hearer, Omniscient. Those who are righteous, whenever the devil approaches them with an idea, they remember, whereupon they become seers." Second, get out of your isolation and join the rest of the family or some of your friends, call upon a friend and start a conversation about some of your daily activities or school work. You may chose to go on a hike or take your bike for a ride around town. Do not let your thoughts control you, learn to control them. Is it wrong to imagine having sex with your potential husband? Well, it is not wrong but it's not the best thought. It's better to block out those thoughts or at least don't think about them so deeply that you develop an urge to act on them. I hesitate to say that it is a sin to have these thoughts. Human beings are very emotional. The emotions of love, sexual contact, and intimacy are very powerful, especially for youth. God encourages us to wait until we are married to enjoy or get occupied with these matters.. It's a tough test but God knows what is best for us. Having thoughts to yourself is at least better than flirting with someone you do not know (on the Interent). If sexual thoughts are a release for you in that it will prevent you from committing a greater sin of becoming physically involved outside of marriage, then it's a way of falling out of sin. However, often times, sexual thoughts only increase the need and desire to satisfy urges and should be repressed and controlled if possible. Keep in mind that we are being tested continually. These tests expose our weaknesses and show our true convictions. You should occupy your mind with thoughts of God and occupy your time with actions that will strengthen your faith in God. Reading the Quran, meditating, doing your Contact Prayers 5 times a day, striving to remember God, and forcing yourself to be with righteous believers are all examples of protecting yourself against temptations. When a temptation enters your thoughts, you should immediately seek refuge in God from Satan the rejected. Ask for forgiveness from your Lord, repent and reform. I know it's hard, but it's worth the price. God mentions in the Quran that with pain there is gain. You also mention that you talk to God but He never answers your questions. You should be certain that God does answer your question each and every time. However, you may not be listening or you may ignore His answer because it's something you do not expect. 2:186 "When My servants ask you about Me, I am always near. I answer their prayers when they pray to Me. The people shall respond to Me and believe in Me, in order to be guided." May God strengthen your faith,

Chancellor

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (4) Subject: I am a sinner.

Aslamu Alaikum, Thank God for this website that I can finally ask a question that Has been bothering me for months. I wanted to marry someone who we loved each other very much. He had to move to Germany and wanted to marry me before he leaves and take me with him. but my  parents were not consenting to the marriage. I wanted to go with him but because of my parents' objection I let him go. During this time it was very stressful for both of us, and I continued to love him and always hoped that my parents will one day consent for our marriage. He returned for a short time from Germany and he was in town, so he came to visit me so that we could talk about this in person . Well when he came, I dont know what happened, HOW It happened, but we ended up making out, really intensely... I had never even hugged a guy before, I prayed regularly read the Quran regularly, I was very into Islam.. but somehow all that escaped me, I just wanted to be with this man that I loved. Afterwards I had very mixed feelings, on hand it was nice to have spent time with someone I loved and would marry insh'allah and then on the other I committed a grave sin. He went back to Germany and we talked on the telephone for few times. Well , now my parents have consented but  he is telling me that he is no longer sure if he wants to marry me. I dont know how to feel about myself as a muslim but everytime I read about sinners in the Quran who knew the right way and sinned anyway I feel shame that I am now one of them, I have prayed to God to forgive me but the scary thing is if he was here I think I would at the very least still kiss him even though that is wrong... I dont know how I got this way. I dont know how to deal with the fact that he doesnt want this marriage with me possibly, and I let him touch me. And I dont know how exactly I am supposed to feel and act now that this deed has been done, is it the same as fornication completely? I am known in my community and family to be a ''good girl'' it hurts so much when ppl say that to me like ''she's such a good girl, so pure hearted'' I never had a secret before I was always an open book. Please help... Sinner from Montana Peace be upon you "Sinner form Montana": Thank you for sharing this personal question. This event has already taken place and you need to learn from the experience and put it behind you. God is the Most Gracious and Most Merciful. He forgives all sins as long as you ask for forgiveness, repent, and reform. You need to use this experience as a way of strengthening your faith in God rather than criticising yourself to the point that you doubt your faith. In 39:53 we read: Proclaim: "O My servants who exceeded the limits, never despair of God's mercy. For God forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, Most Merciful." If you did not have sexual intercourse, then you did not commit fornication. In 23-5-6, God encourages us to maintain our chastity and to avoid sexual relations outside of marriage. Your experience is a good example for other youth who are tempted into compromising God's commandments by engaging in physical activity prior to marriage. Even though two people are in love and are planning to get married, they should avoid intimacy and sexual contact prior to marriage. Your example shows that feelings may change after physical contact and may prevent a marriage from taking place. Also, it is important for youth to respect their parents views. If two parents are not consenting to a marriage, then the relationship must be examined very carefully, in full consultation with the parents. The most important thing you can do now is to trust in God that He will forgive your sin as long as you repent and reform. You should not continue to carry a guilty feeling because you will be doubting God's forgiveness. This test is a wonderful opportunity for you to learn and to come closer to God. Satan of course will try to spoil your repentance and entice you to fall back into sin. This is the rest of your test. You should learn from your fall, as next time you do not know what you will break or whether you will ever be able to get up again. Please read our article about Sex, Chastity and Purity, located at; http://www.submission.org/teenagers/sex.html God bless you, Adam

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                    (5) Subject: Menstruation, pads or tampons . Assalam Alykum! I was wondering is there anything wrong with using tampons during a woman's period? Are pads better? The Truthseeker

Dear Truthseeker; When you use a tampon, you normally break the hymen, thus if you are a virgin, there would be  no physical evidence of it on your wedding. The hymen is a thin covering of the entrance to the vagina . In most of the communities an intact hymen means the person is a virgin. This is a big issue in the so called muslim community since the breaking of the hymen might be construed that you were sexually active. It is more convenient to use the tampon esp. if you want to play a sport.   God has not mentioned it in His Quran, which means there is not a religious law regulating this matter. God strongly condemns sexual activity out of marriage but mentioned nothing about what to use for menstruation. God left it for every community to decide. If you want to avoid breaking the hymen then do not use the tampon. In my opinion if the person we are going to marry is going to be suspicious, it is better not to marry him anyway. Keep your chastity and purity as God commanded us in the Quran. Inshallah God will help each one of us to come to the right conclusion. Adam

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (6) Subject: help Salam Brothers , I read the info on your site it was very helpful. Ok well I love Allah , thats for sure , and I try to worship him as much as I can. I want to do more as I know that Allah is my life. When I was young I suffered inferiority complex and though I have grown up to be ok looking , I still think proofing to my self that I am good looking , means sleeping with good looking girls , I feel bad , but really the urge isnt sex , I have some kind of mental disorder , that I cant figure out , i ve been on antidepressants , and It didnt help ,and I went through a phase where I abused alot of drugs , I am too caught up in western pleasure theory , and though I prey 5 times a day , Imk still mis guided , but for those who dont learn for my example , well know that I keep feeling extreme pain , for either girls or supposed love relationships. Ideally, Id love to just find a sister and get married , then perhaps I could learn to accept my self , sometimes I just think Im going mad , even though Im well educated and a down to earth guy , why cant I just accept the facts , I swear its something with my mind , the mental disorder has got me , how come Id never touch alcohol but yet womenising seems ok. Please advise me , a lost brother , Dear "Lost Brother," If you love God, you need to turn completely to Him for support. 22:15 If anyone thinks that God cannot support him in this life and in the Hereafter, let him turn completely to (his Creator in) heaven, and sever (his dependence on anyone else). He will then see that this plan eliminates anything that bothers him. There seems to be two issues. First, your inferiority complex. If you love God, your main objective should be to please Him, not anyone else. In the end, you will be facing God, your Creator. What matters most is how strong your soul is not how good looking you are or how big your muscles are. Developing your soul means spending time doing the things that please God. You should start by reading the Quran and meditating at dawn and at night. You should continue to do your 5 prayers and force yourself to be with people who worship God. You should look at your body as a temporary jacket. Do not get too attached to this jacket because you will be taking it off very soon when you meet God. The second issue is your desire for women. You need to be very honest with yourself regarding this desire. Is it really related to a mental issue or are you looking for an easy way to justify your action? God knows your innermost thoughts. This desire seems to be a temptation that you need to start pulling yourself away from. You can take gradual steps. Do not put yourself in a situation where you know will lead to violating God's laws. For example, if you know you can not control yourself, then do not go out on a date. If self esteem is really the problem, then focus on other areas where you can  prove yourself. For example, spend time doing sports, improving your grades  or getting a better job. Set small goals for yourself and when you reach these goals, continue setting other goals. Do not start too high because you may not reach your goal and as a result you may get discouraged. The following  link has a responses to questions that I think are similar in terms of temptations. http://www.submission.org/teenagers/a-c.html Remember, life is short. God has created you for one main reason of worshiping Him alone and devoting your worship absolutely to Him. Try  hard to make the sacrifice for God. The reward is awesome and eternal. God bless you,

Chancellor

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (7) Subject: My Real Life Experience; In Desperate Need of Council..... Dear Adam and Chancellor, The last few weeks have been the most unbearable and torment filled times of my life. This may sound overly exaggerated, but I am currently involved in one of the most influential and pivotal times of my life, this I am sure of. I must preface my question with the background of my problem so please bear with me and give me your years of wisdom and advice. I am a 18 year old teenager and a devout muslim follower raised in an excellent islamic household in Detroit, Michigan. Ever since junior high I have been very popular with the ladies in particular and I was constantly being hit on and asked out. My parents didn't think this was appropriate for me and consequently sent me to an all-boy high school in Des Moins, Iowa, where I will be graduating from this year. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I had many girls who I kept in contact with from junior high and other parties I went to, secretly! of course. I even dated many of them but I always made it clear to them my religious beliefs and my limits. Most of them liked me so much they would try to tempt me nevertheless, and I ended up breaking many of their hearts by ending the relationship when I felt it was moving in "that" direction. It has been about 2 months since I began dating a girl that I work with and I simply adore her to death. I know that this is probably a grave mistake on my part, but she is everything that I ever dreamed my wife would be. Please don't misunderstand, I am in no way planning to marry this girl as she is not even muslim. It is simply an extremely fulfilling relationship that has given me feelings of such utter happiness that make me wonder what more life has in store for me. To end my preface, I will say that my girlfriend and I have become VERY close while still keeping the entire relationship a secret from my family, don't ask how, I amaze myself sometimes. Now, the real crux of my dilemma is an extremely sensitive issue that I have juggled for the past few days in my mind. When I found this site I knew I had to ask your advice and duah in this matter as I think that I have committed a sin so grave so as to be unforgivable..... I admit that I have been intimate with many girls over the past few years( e.g.. dating, hugging, kissing, cuddling, ect.) but I never did anything that could even be construed as a sexual misconduct, until last weekend. My girlfriend and I did go beyond the limit that I thought I was in control over last weekend, and now I have an overwhelming sense of guilt over what I did. The aspect that most troubles me, beyond my outright transgression against the will of Allah, is that we didn't use any protection and I was fasting for Ramadan at the time. I have had people tell me over and over that you can't count on thinking and making the right rational decision in an intimate situation, but I never thought I would loose control. Now that I did, I don't know what to do. I have prayed and done namaz and fasted and asked Allah for forgiveness for what I did, but I still feel like I am not forgiven. I think this is because in the dark recesses of my mind I, sadly, enjoyed that experience. Please don't think I am a heathen deviant for saying something like that, but after 5 years of constant pressure from my friends, girlfriends, and even other muslim friends of mine, I am surprised I lasted this long. I don't know what to do, am I too far gone? Have I crossed a point of no return? Should I even keep on fasting while I have such great sin in my heart? Is it wrong for me to even be close with a girl who isn't muslim, even if she is the most caring and understanding person I have met in my life? I thank you for your time and patience in this matter and I eagerly await a response to quell the burning anxiety that fills me. I am sure with your prayers and my own self-discipline, I will overcome this obstacle in my life. Thank you in advance..... Sincerely, Unforgivable Dear Unforgivable, You are forgivable. However, you must make certain changes in your life. First of all, you should have trust in God that He is the Most Gracious and Most Merciful. He is the Forgiver. When you commit a sin, you must 1) remember God, 2) ask for forgiveness, 3) repent, and 4) reform. Quran 7:153 As for those who committed sins, then repented thereafter and believe, your Lord - after this - is Forgiver, Most Merciful Once you do this, you should trust in God that He will forgive your sin. Quran 39:53 Proclaim: "O My servants who exceeded the limits, never despair of God's mercy. For God forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, Most Merciful. Your greatest challenge now is to reform your behavior. This means you can not commit the same sin again. Your difficulty is that you have put yourself in a situation where it is very easy to fall into sin again. You are in love and spend time with your girlfriend. I think it will be almost impossible for you to control your physical desires. Even if you are able to control yourself, your girlfriend may not and she can tempt you to fall again. You know yourself how difficult it can be when you put yourself in this situation. The good news is that you do not have to live with the guilt and pain of having committed a sin. Now, you have to figure out what to do so you don't fall into the same trap. I have two suggestions. First, you end your relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend. You still see each other but as friends. You make an agreement not to meet secretly. You meet when there are other people around you such as friends so that you are not put in a private situation. You should talk with your girlfriend and tell her how terrible you feel and that you need her support to end the physical relationship. If she cares for you, she will respect your decision. Instead of meeting with her to be intimate, meet with her to read the Quran and talk about God. This way, she even may be guided to God's message. There are many English translations of the Quran but I highly recommend the English translation of the Quran by Rashad Khalifa (you can get this from Amazon.com). You can also compare the most famous five translations of the Quran to choose one for yourself at; http://mama.stg.brown.edu/webs/quran_browser/pqform.shtml The second suggestion I have is also an answer to one of your questions. If you love this person and feel you can support her both emotionally and physically, then you may consider marriage. It does not matter if she is not a Muslim by name. In the Quran, God mentions that you may marry believers and people of the previous scripture. The most important part is that she believes in and worships one God and does not associate any partners with God. For example, if she feels that Jesus is God or the son of God and is not willing to accept God's message, then you have a problem since God does not want you to marry idol worshipers. It is also important that both of you repent and reform and maintain your chastity. Quran 5:5 ...you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of the previous scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity, not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers. Anyone who rejects faith, all his works will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers. Keep in mind that you have a great responsibility now. You do not want to trade your love for God and the eternal Hereafter for the temporary pleasures. You need to be strong and turn to God for strength, guidance and support. I ask your permission to post your question on the web site since there are a lot of people in your situation who can learn from your experience. People get into relationships thinking they can control their emotions. They need to know from your experience how hard and dangerous it can me. Please let me know if it is O.K. God bless you, Adam Dear Adam, I would like to thank you for your suggestions and say that I will take heed to your words and apply them to my life, no matter who difficult the task may seem. I would like you to post my letter on the website because I think teenagers need to know about what it is really like and how out of control such a situation that seems so innocent can become quickly. (un)forgivable

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (8) Subject: GUILTY BUT REPENTED !! Dear Adam and Chancellor, i am a 19 year old college girl. i have been feeling guilty over something over a long long time, i havnt talked about it to any soul on this earth yet, u r the only one, plz listen to me carefully & take me out of this mess. Well , all my life i have been a very very good girl no boys no nothing.I always considered my self as a girl of strong character, thought nothing could put me astray.Then one day one of my neighbors proposed me , i accepted the proposal our meeting grew further. Then one night v were sitting alone & i dont know what came over me , first he held my hand i did not stop him,then in a few sec his mouth was over mine,v went on he felt me i felt him,none of us took our clothes off,thats it.Then he tries to take me to bed,i stopped him, in the coming few days he tried it twice again i again stopped him, im sure it was some superpower which stopped me from stooping so low I kept thinking that god will hate me if i do this....so i made it very very very clear to that man that u will never ever put a finger on me......so thats how v didnt end up having sex. Ever since then i have felt very very ashamed of myself for such a sinful act, i have cried & cried infront of god to forgive me for it, im not a bad girl but i dont know how i did that. Do u think im impure now,do u think god will forgive me,how do u think i can recover my purity. Now lets move on to the next part,time passed & things changed, im an engaged girl now,the bigger challenge comes now,im experiencining another pang of guilt now.If i honestly tell my fiance about this he will never ever acccept me,its a totally arranged marraige,& i need just one chance to prove myself .i have promised myself Ill b very faithfull & sincere to him & fulfill all my duties as a wife. i dont have the courage to tell him.Then someone from inside says whatever is done is done ,no use to cry ,conc on ur future try to make the best out of it,grab the oppurtunity u have,afterall u have never cheated ur fiance ever since u made a commitment with him!!!!!!do u think im doing the right thimg?i promise i'll always b good to him GUILTY COLLEGE GIRL Dear Guilty, Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me. I know how painful and sad it feels to walk off God’s path. I have been there myself and have suffered the negative emotional and spiritual results. You must realize that we are human beings and we are very able to sin easily. Even the great messengers and prophets committed their share of sins. I am not giving you an excuse to commit sins but I just want you to know that it’s o.k.to be human. It is not a coincidence why God introduces Himself as Most Gracious and Most Merciful. God is the forgiver of all sins. If you believe in God, you must accept that God will forgive your sins if you ask for forgiveness, repent, and reform your behavior. It is clear to me from your e-mail that you have done this. Now, place your trust in God that the past is history and forgiven. You will gain nothing by keeping your guilt. Here are some verses from the Quran that will help you in this healing process. 7:153 As for those who committed sins, then repented thereafter and believe, your Lord - after this - is Forgiver, Most Merciful 39:53 Proclaim: "O My servants who exceeded the limits, never despair of God's mercy. For God forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, Most Merciful. 3:135 If they fall in sin or wrong their souls, they remember GOD and ask forgiveness for their sins - and who forgives the sins except GOD - and they do not persist in sins, knowingly. Your e-mail shows you are very sincere and you love God, mashallah. You made a mistake and you are not continuing this mistake knowingly. You have learned your lesson. It’s time to move on with your life and use your precious energy to worship God and work righteousness instead of thinking about the past. Continue to follow your daily prayers, read your Quran, and worry about how you can improve your relationship with God now that you have made the repair. The purity you should be concerned about most is the purity of the soul. When you ask for forgiveness, repent and reform, you are purifying your soul. Your worship of God and your righteous works keep your soul pure. You have no reason to doubt this purity now. According to God’s words in the Quran, your purity was recovered a long time ago when you first realized you made a mistake and changed your ways. I admire you for being so concerned about your faith and for your strength in staying on God’s path. About your new challenge of whether you should tell your fiancée about your past, I suggest you listen to the voice inside you that says it’s “no use to cry over spilt milk.” I feel you are doing the right thing. We all have baggage that we bring to a relationship. My feeling is that this baggage should be left outside the door and forgotten. If there was anything significant, it would have come out. Focus your energy on your current situation. Your actions and feelings for your fiancee define your relationship, not what you have done in your past. Move on with your life. Enjoy God’s great blessing of having found a spouse. God wants you to be happy. Now it’s up to you to show God you can enjoy this blessing without reservation or guilt. God bless you,

Chancellor

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                    (9) Subject: HIV Positive, AIDS . As Salamun Alaykum I don't know if I should be saying "Salam", cause of what I'm about to say right now, please don't stop reading, please read a head and help me. I have AIDS. I'm HIV positive. Before I got AIDS, I was half and half muslim, trying to pray 5 times a day, but praying my jumas(friday prayers), and doing other essential things that were based on Islam. But I wasn't a perfect Muslim, and I had my bad ways as in I used to go to Strip Clubs. I live in North America, and I got this Stripper, or for you to understand a prostitute, which was wrong, but I wasn't thinking, I was in the dark and in the wrong path. I was 23 years old at the time, and I did blame my parents for not making me get married. I couldn't control myself. But Allah punished me and now I have this disease that's killing me. After reading books on some Islamic books that dealt with AIDS and asking some Islamic scholars, they say and said that whoever has AIDS is no longer considered muslim anymore, but is considered a "Kafir", a non-muslim. So here I am e-mail people on the net, like you, that just might say, Hey Allah forgives cause Allah is the most merciful and the most gracious (*most*). And even if you have AIDS, Allah forgives as long as you ask for forgiveness. Can i get this answer from you, if not, I'm gonna keep on searching for the answer. But if I keep getting a no answer, i might just have to think about suicide. Please write back. Jazakullah. Salaamun Alykum, Thank you for sharing such a personal painful and sad experience with me. Yes, we are human beings and any of us can make mistakes. You have to remember that this life is a temporary life and is a short life if you know where we go from here, to an eternity that makes any life in this world worth of 0 time. Since this life is a test to see who appreciate God and who does not, we all will have our own test. We all have to pay a price for any mistake we do. Some people pay a price in this life and others pay eternal price in the Hereafter. It might have been God's mercy on you since you were totally deep in sin to give you AIDS now to wake you up and give you a chance to repent and reform before facing an eternal destiny. I am not giving you an excuse to commit sins as you realized we always pay a price. You are still alive and concerned about your relationship with God which is a good sign. This means that God the Most Merciful has given you ample time to repent, reform and lead a righteous life for whatever left for you. God wants to give you a chance to have better eternal life if you recognize your sin and repent to Him. God is the forgiver of all sins except idol-worship if maintained till death.  Repentance and reforming may wipe out your sins and start you as a clean soul but you need to maintain your righteousness from now on.  If you believe in God, you must accept that God will forgive your sins if you ask for forgiveness, repent, and reform your behavior. 7:153 As for those who committed sins, then repented thereafter and believe, your Lord - after this - is Forgiver, Most Merciful 39:53 Proclaim: "O My servants who exceeded the limits, never despair of God's mercy. For God forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, Most Merciful. 3:135 If they fall in sin or wrong their souls, they remember GOD and ask forgiveness for their sins - and who forgives the sins except GOD - and they do not persist in sins, knowingly. I hope this helps . Your brother, Chancellor

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (10) Subject:  I am in Trouble ... Asalamalikum I am not very sure how to explain the situation but I'm desperately in need of help. I am an adolescent and have drifted away from the islamic ways of life. What has happened was not an intention. I never thought it would be me. No, I haven't had sex but I've done things almost equally wrong. The person who it is... is a muslim, knows its not right and didn't think of them self being in this situation either. We've both tried very hard to stop ourselves but things aren't going our way. I must confess that when we do get involved in such acts... I do feel like what I'm doing is completely wrong but I seem to over look that fact. I've prayed and asked for forgiveness from Allah many times and said that I won't do it again but I still do it again and feel bad after. I've been getting in trouble with my parents as well since all this started. I was very close to my parents before this. I still am but I think its my guilt and a punishment for what I've been doing. I would very much appreciate it if someone some how can help me. Tell me how to stop myself and what to do. I need help very desperately.. Can someone please help? Please... Thanks for reading it all. I'm going to wait for a reply. Your help is needed very much. Wasalam. Peace be upon you, Thank you for sharing your personal challenge with me. You must realize that you are being tested by God. You need to break the dangerous cycle of repeating the thing you know is wrong. Ask for forgiveness, repent and reform. The challenge for you is to reform your behavior. You need to speak with this person and tell them that you are changing your ways. Stand strong for God and show God that you can chose Him over your temptations. Your goal in this life is to please God, not your desires. Sin weakens the soul and makes it much more vulnerable to commit other sins. My bigger concern for you is that you become weaker in faith and walk away gradually from God’s path. Before you know it, your are far removed and at that point, your final outcome may be more uncertain. Hold on tight to the rope of guidance that God has given you and do not let go. Continue to do your worship practices of prayer and try hard to live a righteous life. Read your Quran as much as you can and force yourself to be with those who worship God. As far as your parents, you need to treat them with great respect as God mentions in the Quran. They have taken good care of you and want the very best for your life. Give them priority over other things you are dealing with, especially the things that are taking you away from God. God bless you, Adam

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                    (11) Subject: Sexual thoughts..... Salaam Alekom, I have a friend who is trying to convience me that sexual thoughts  and masturbation are not forbidden because God talked only about having sex with someone and didn't mention anything about the sexual habits. So, can you please help me and e-mail me verses from the Quran that covers that. and tell me what should I tell him. D.S Peace be upon you D.S., Thank you for your question. Sexual thoughts....that's a tricky one. I can not give you a verse in the Quran that says specifically that you are forbidden to have sexual thoughts. However, you should realize that our actions begin with our thoughts. When you start to occupy your mind with sexual thoughts, you will soon experience the actual desire and need to translate these thoughts into some kind of action. The action may start with masturbation which stimilates your sexual thoughts even more. This cycle of increasing sexual desire may lead to sexual acts with others. I must also point out the difference between a sexual thought and a sexual intention. Your thoughts may be somewhat harmless at first - simply random thoughts that come and go through your mind as a result of your hormones wanting to break loose. The thoughts are temporary and sporadic. You can control these thoughts pretty well by pushing them out when they come in. However, once you start focusing on these thoughts and building on them in your mind, your thoughts could turn into intentions. An intention means you are desiring or planning to act on your thoughts. Your inention can preoccupy your mind even more and serve as the seed that springs into action. In the Quran, God invites us to remember Him as often as possible. The more your mind is preoccupied, the less room it has for God. [7:205] You shall remember your Lord within yourself, publicly, privately, and quietly, day and night; do not be unaware. For my reply to the question of masturbation, please see the reply number 2  on this page. God bless you, Adam

Dear Adam & Chancellor,                                             (12) Subject: Friends, drugs, worry and panic attacks !! Dear Adam and Chancellor, Hi, I am a Muslim living in Malaysia who's not Malaysian though. I am 16 year old male. Recently I've had a near death experience caused by severe hyperventilation of my heart which almost ruptured. That was caused by a condition the doctors called anxiety disorder. They said I think too much and that I should stop that. In a way I think it's some kind of blessing. In the past I just used to do whatever I felt like doing within my limits. I would like you to know that I believe strongly in my religion and that my faith is strong. I pray, fast and haven't committed any big sins such as having sex. In the past I was generally happy and didn't worry too much, but since the day I fainted in school and almost died, i couldn't help thinking that Allah is very angry with me and that I would go to hell. Many of my friends are Muslims and are surprised to find out that I pray all the prayers. They tell me am a good person and shouldn't worry too much but the strange thing is some of them couldn't be bothered to rethink their lives and what they are doing with it. I guess until now you don't know what the problem is. I am trying hard to recover from my illness but it is hard. Every time I go out with my friends and sleep over at their places, I don't seem to have much fun. They will be smoking pot and getting high and they will be drinking and doing all kinds of things. I never drank until this day or had sex even though I've been offered and had the chance to do so many times. Now whenever I smoke pot with my friends and chill with them, I don't have much fun, instead I start thinking about what I am doing and worrying. At that point I get my panic attack and my heart starts hyperventilating and I try to stay clam. I know pot is an intoxicant now and that I shouldn't take it because it is haram. I am not hooked onto it or anything because we only do these type of things once in a month. I know it is my mistake that I go to hangaround there. I told myself that I would never smoke it again. After that I start panicking and thinking "what if death came now? Allah would be very angry with me and he will throw me in hell". I really feel that I am going CRAZY. When I compare myself with my friends, I know that I am better than them, but I am still not happy. Sometimes I feel stillness of heart at other times I tell myself that I am the worst person alive and start hating myself. I cannot stop worrying. The doctors told me if I keep worrying too much, it could be bad for my heart and health. PLEASE HELP ME AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE AND TELL ME IF I AM GOOD OR BAD MUSLIM? HELP ME  STOP WORRYING TOO MUCH! Yours Truely A.A.   Salaamu alaykum, A.A. Thank you for your kind words about our website. We feel it is important to spread the truth about Islam and the Quran. We need the support of fellow Muslims. Please let us know if you have suggestions or topics, which are of interest to you. What happened to you may be a blessing in disguise. Al-Hamdulillah, you are alive. I can only imagine that it was a frightening experience for you, your family, and friends. Your situation is a touching story of an inner battle between good and evil. Having a conscience is a sign of a righteous person. The conscience makes you feel guilty and remorse after doing something wrong. It seems to me that you fear Allah might be angry with you; perhaps you hate to disappoint Him. Seeking the pleasure of Allah is a sign of a good Muslim. I believe Allah gave you the anxiety attack that nearly took your life. However, I don't think Allah is angry with you at all. I think it was an act of mercy; Allah could have ended your life. I believe it is a wake-up call, a warning for you to make major changes in your life. People are seldom given second chances to make amends. I think you are lucky. Worry Your thoughts are like a runaway train, which is out of control. Wouldn't it be nice if you can put your thoughts to rest? You can. Let Allah play a bigger role in your life. Let Him take the controls and steer your life in the direction that is best for you. He is the most powerful and He knows all things. Allah created you and no one knows you better. He fills the cells in your body with oxygen from the air that you breathe. He causes you to feel hungry so you would eat. He decides how much blood is pumped by your heart every second of your life. The Quran tells us that "not even an atom's weight is out of your Lord's control, be it in the heavens or the earth" [10:61]. He also knows the future.   [2:186] When My servants ask you about Me, I am always near. I answer their prayers when they pray to Me. The people shall respond to Me and believe in Me, in order to be guided. Pray to Allah, tell Him that you accept Him completely into your life, and ask Him for guidance. Allah is in control even when you think you are. Allah runs everything. Knowing this should bring you inner peace. When you start feeling anxious, remember that Allah is running everything. "Allah wishes to lighten your burden" [4:28]; seek comfort in Him. [11:123] To Allah belongs the future of the heavens and the earth, and all matters are controlled by Him. You shall worship Him and trust in Him. Your Lord is never unaware of anything you do. Leading a righteous life The Quran tells us that Muslims have nothing to fear or worry if they believe in Allah, believe in Judgment Day, and lead a righteous life [2:62, 5:69]. More related verses are listed at the end of this e-mail. Even righteous Muslims commit sin every now and then. When that happens, be quick to repent, reform, and ask Allah for forgiveness [4:17-18]. You would find Allah to be most forgiving [16:119, 6:54]. What if the world were to end tomorrow? Righteous Muslims would have nothing to worry because they would have lived their lives according to the Quran, the word of Allah. Allah's guidance is the true guidance [3:73]. Mashallah. Armed with this knowledge, my dear brother, you are free from daily worries. Al-Hamdulillah. Smoking pot [5:91] The devil wants provoke animosity and hatred among you through intoxicants and gambling, and to distract you from remembering Allah, and from observing the Contact Prayers (Salat). Will you then refrain? What can I say. You know it is haram. The devil will always make you think something is okay when it is wrong, and vice versa. I guess it is his job to keep Muslims away from the path of Allah. So it is very important that you be strong and stay true to your faith. Honor the body that Allah has given you by taking good care of it, and in return, it would take good care of you. Try to stay away from events where haram activities might occur. This is because it only takes a moment of weakness to stray from the path of Allah and to regret it only seconds later. Be alert to temptations around you and remember to seek the protection of Allah [41:36], just as Joseph did when the governor's wife tried to seduce him [12:23-24]. I encourage you to participate in activities which help you to learn more about Allah and to strengthen your faith. Such activities  include: - read the Quran - attend Quran study groups - practise meditation - hang out with those among your friends who share your religious convictions and outlook. Avoid the company of those friends who commit all kinds of sins that is against the Quran and Allah. Your presence among them means you approve their action and will make it easy for you to fall into sin again and again. God, the Most Merciful says in the Qur'an: "The day will come when the transgressor will bite his hands (in anguish) and say, "Alas, I wish I had followed the path with the messenger. "Alas, woe to me, I wish I did not take that person as a friend. "He has led me away from the message after it came to me. Indeed, the devil lets down his human victims."[25:27-29] . This shows, how important is choosing our friends. God, the Most-Wise also says: "The close friends on that day will become enemies of one another, except for the righteous." [43:67]. Please study this article about friendship at; http://www.submission.org/teenagers/friendship.html - do volunteer work - study science - go on nature trips - read the many articles on our website. Check out the following topics within the Teenager section: God; Happiness & success; Drugs, sex, & violence; Friendship in Islam, and Implore God. An article on peer pressure was posted this week. Want more information? Read the articles listed at the bottom of the home page and those within the Submitters Perspective topic also located on the home page. My friend's personal story I want to share with you a similar incident, which happened to a friend. He was a teacher, a smart guy, and a constant thinker. One day, he had an anxiety attack in the classroom. He was diagnosed with anxiety disorder at a hospital. He was given medication to take daily in order to keep his anxiety under control. His condition never improved for about 5 years until he decided to put his full faith and trust in Allah.Then he no longer needed the medication. He developed a positive outlook on life. I was so happy for him. I remembered that I could hear the joy in his voice. It was fun to be around him. Mashallah. Conclusion You have a second chance in life -- it is time now for a new beginning. Make a firm effort to be righteous so you have a better chance of reaping or enjoying the rewards of heaven later. Remember Allah now so He would remember you later on Judgment Day. Walk with Allah and you shall know peace, the absence of worry and conflict. Inshallah. Wa alaykum asalaam, Gordon, for Adam and Chancellor Additional verses for further reading ------------------------------------- [2:112] Indeed, those who submit themselves absolutely to Allah alone, while leading a righteous life, will receive their recompense from their Lord; they have nothing to fear, nor will they grieve.   [46:13] Surely, those who say, "Our Lord is Allah," then lead a righteous life, will have no fear, nor will they grieve.   {46:14] They have deserved Paradise, where they abide forever; a reward for their works. [43:68] O My servants, you will have no fear on that day, nor will you grieve. [43:69] They are the ones who believed in our revelations, and were submitters. [43:70] Enter Paradise, together with your spouses, and rejoice. [64:11] Nothing happens to you except in accordance with Allah's will. Anyone who believes in Allah, He will guide his heart. Allah is fully aware of all things. God bless you!

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